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| 11:30pm 03/11/2009 |
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I want to disappear tonight. Out of Orlando, out of Florida, out of society. I have never hated someone so much. I don't know how to cope and where to file these feelings. They don't make sense to me. I am faltering trying to make meaning of this time. I have a lot of really amazing friends, but nothing they can say or do makes up for being trampled on by someone I have devoted two years of my life to. I feel fucked up and I know that nothing will help but time. Oh, how can I make time fly? |
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| 09:53pm 03/11/2009 |
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I am going to start a website called: "TheTextIReallyWantedToSend.Com" |
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| iron and wine |
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| 11:14am 19/10/2009 |
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tell me, baby, tell me
are you still on the stoop
watching the windows close?
i've not seen you lately
on the street by the beach
or places we used to go
i've a picture of you
on our favorite day
by the seaside
there's a bird stealing bread
that i brought
out from under my nose
tell me, baby, tell me
does his company make
light of a rainy day?
how i've missed you lately
and the way we would speak
and all that we wouldn't say
do his hands in your hair
feel a lot like a thing
you believe in
or a bit like a bird
stealing bread out from under your nose?
tell me, baby, tell me
do you carry the words
around like a key or change?
i've been thinking lately
of a night on the stoop
and all that we wouldn't say
if i see you again
on the street by the beach
in the evening
will you fly like a bird
stealing bread out from under my nose? |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| message from Corinne that saved me tonight. |
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| 08:57pm 05/01/2009 |
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let's think about this for a minute. you live in a dope house. you are riding a wakeboard and a snowboard all in one month. you have love all over the place. great friends and the opportunity to travel whenever with a built in dog sitter. count your blessings. this is a beautiful time in your life. you don't have responsibilities, and let me tell you, they change everything. do your thing. you are an amazing person with lots of cool shit going on. all the answers will come. quit thinking. love love love from the slopes in cali. |
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| 2008 |
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| 11:45pm 25/12/2008 |
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Where did you begin 2008?
On top of the Cady Way overpass, Orlando, FL.
What was your status by Valentines Day?
Dating Josh Erickson and uninterested in that stupid holiday
Were you in school anytime this year?
Nope
Did you have to go to the hospital?
Went there once or twice to eat.
Did you have any encounters with the police?
No, thankfully
Where did you go on vacation?
San Francisco, New York for a minute, Costa Rica
What did you purchase that was over $100?
Plane tickets, car insurance, probably something for Josh
Did you know anybody who got married?
My Dad, Sara, Freddy- I missed them all!
Did you know anybody who passed away?
Ryan's grandma, Juice's doggie
Did you move anywhere?
Out of Depugh and in with Corinne
What sporting events did you attend?
Futbol- Costa Rica vs. Haiti at San Jose
What concerts/shows did you go to?
Noteworthy: Silver Jews, Alkaline Trio, Radiohead, Wilco
Describe your birthday:
I puked in BBQ Bar
What is the one thing you thought you would not do, but did, in 2008?
Leave Muj for a month, lose my job, tons...
What has been your favorite moment?
Santa Teresa weekend, Obama night, Tampa race
Any new additions to your family?
My dad got married
What was your best month?
October
Made new friends?
Tons and tons and tons. Also reconnected with a few very important people that i had grown apart from.
Favorite Night out?
Almost any night with Kimmy, had a really nice front porch night with vino torro, and one nice the lights when out and we had a dance party at will o' the green.
Other than home, where did you spend most of your time?
The first half of the year at whole foods, will o' the green street, jacksonville, a month in costa, and some time at my parents.
Have you lost any friends this year?
Had a few pop in and out again
Change your hairstyle?
Really great haircuts all year, more or less the same style all year
Have any car accidents?
Hit a flower pot the other night
How old did you turn this year?
24
Do you have a New Years Resolution?
Nope
Do anything embarrassing?
I have gotten better at not being embarrassed.
Buy anything new from eBay?
Oh, i am sure... probably a record. a new bike lock... not sure what else.
Get married or divorced?
Almost
Been snowboarding?
Maybe in two weeks, maybe not ever. Another year without snow.
Did you get sick this year?
Nope. Havent been sick in 3 or 4 years
What are you looking forward to most in 2009?
Making a plan, seeing more of this world |
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Read 3 - Post |
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| Keep it simple |
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| 11:07pm 13/08/2008 |
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I can't take it. I feel like I am waiting around for something when there is no indication that is it actually coming. So I need to do this for me, because I know I have spent a lot of time catering to the best interests of others. So tomorrow is day one. Then days two, three, four, five...
This is it. |
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| Josh= 3,000 miles away |
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| 10:09pm 23/07/2008 |
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Feeling:
Excited for him
Instantly more alone
Like something is ending
Like nothing has sunk in yet
I want 24 more hours to hold his hand tighter than I ever have. I should have cried less at the airport this morning and squeezed him tighter. There is a realistic chance that this is it for us. I am being really dramatic today and I think that is alright. I am giving myself today and just today. I am trying to feel everything I can right now. I was doing okay this afternoon and then I realized that I was just waiting for him to call and ask me to come over. It isn't real yet. I need to remember all the things he has taught me and how much I have grown in the past nine months with his guidance and support. I need to think about all the amazing people he has brought into my life and how different I feel about myself and the world because of things he has shown me. I hope he finds a happy home in the west because he deserves it. |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| Belle and Sebastian- Seeing Other People |
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| 12:09pm 24/05/2008 |
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This song has been chasing my thoughts lately. In a good and humorous way...
We lay on the bed there
Kissing just for practice
Could we please be objective?
Cause the other boys are queuing up behind us
A hand over my mouth
A hand over the window
Well, if I remain passive and you just want to cuddle
Then we should be ok, and we won't get in a muddle
Cause we're seeing other people
At least that's what we say we are doing
How are you feeling?
I don't think you can be dealing
With the situation very well
You take a lover for a dirty weekend, that's ok
But when it's over
You are looking at the working week through the eyes of a gigolo
You're kissing your elbow
You're kissing your reflection
And you can't understand why all the other boys are going for the
New, tall, elegant rich kids
You can bet it is a bitch, kid
But if they don't see the quality then it is apparent that
You're going to have to change
Or you're going to have to go with girls
You'd be better off
At least they know where to put it
We lay on the bed there
Kissing just for practice
Could we please be objective?
Cause the other boys are queuing up behind us
A hand over my mouth
A hand over the window
Well, if I remain passive and you just want to cuddle
Then we should be ok, and we won't get in a muddle
Cause we're seeing other people
At least that's what we say we are doing
Seeing other people
At least that's what we say we are doing
Seeing other people
At least that's what we say we are doing |
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| Rising moon in Libra |
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| 11:56am 24/05/2008 |
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Looking for that one (elusive) perfect way to lead their lives can detract from enjoyment of the moment.
ha! |
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| One year later in a sleepy sum |
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| 08:54am 24/05/2008 |
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Just about 9 am. I woke up early to drive Josh to work. I found it really difficult to get up this morning. I was having a incredibly comforting dream- Josh and I were at an unfamiliar house and we were sitting on a couch in the kitchen. He was being rubbing my feet and talking, almost whispering to me, and being incredibly warm and affectionate. That is when Muji started barking and woke me up. At some point before that my car got searched and it was full of contraband but even that felt okay. Josh's company felt so soothing in this dream. Once I am finally in the front seat and driving down Mills I start to act really silly and funny with him. I came home and made myself a pancake and threw some compost in the backyard. My living room smells like gasoline. I am trying to decide if I want to go back to sleep. Muji is curled up on a pillow sleeping peacefully. I wish that I had some Joy Division songs on my computer because I saw Control last night and I can't get it out of my head. "I love you" "What does that mean" Life is amazing and slightly scary. I am trying to keep an open mind about love. I have been thinking about my cultural perspective and how it is very skewed. I make an effort with the people and places around me, but I really have no idea. There are a lot of things that I am unsure about. Not unsure meaning I doubt them, unsure meaning I do not have the knowledge to comprehend them. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by all the things I want to see and do. I have no idea what to learn first. At times I feel like the last year here has been a waste because I have not been in school. This was actually one of the most meaningful and thought provoking years of my life. |
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| 11:40pm 09/12/2007 |
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I dont know why I am posting in here and I dont know where I left off the last time I updated because it has been so long. This has been an incredible year for me. Incredibly confusing, incredibly fun, incredibly sad, incredibly real, incredibly comforting, incredibly life-altering year. I bowed out of my longest and most serious relationship, moved in with strangers, graduated from college and lost my Grandmother. I have listened to the song "this year" by the mountain goats on repeat for hour long car rides trying to clear my head. This year I have been trying to peel away layers of my life and and my brain and figure out who I really am and how situations and influences alter that person. The last month I have felt more alive than I have in a while. Maybe ever. I was in a rut for so long, so concerned about unimportant things and so worried about life that I wasn't enjoying it. I finally feel like I have things in perspective. I don't know what I ultimately want to "do" with my life but I know what is important and what is unimportant. Family is important, friends, fun, health, kindness, compassion, education. Money is not important, egos, possessions. Those are not all inclusive lists, but things that just popped into my mind.
I am seeing someone new. His name is Josh. It is making me feel so energized. I am having so much fun and learning a lot about myself and trying desperately not to worry about what will come of anything. I feel really lucky to have him in my life. |
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| Room for rent- Winter Park |
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| 11:47pm 24/09/2007 |
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Here is the deal.. I found a sweet house... and a slew of flaky potential roommates. It is a five bedroom/three bath in Winter Park, off Pennsylvania, by Park Ave. Fenced in yard, washer, dryer, basketball hoop, etc. I need someone to move in around October 1st. Rent will be 400 plus bills for the first month and then between 295-340 for each month after, depending on which room you want. No security deposit. Sweet. Okay, call me. |
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| Life |
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| 09:42pm 19/09/2007 |
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In one months time I have lost my grandma, broken up with my boyfriend, bought a new car, bought a new computer, found a new home, acquired a new back injury.
Live is changing so fast. I move to Winter Park next week. I haven't really had a chance to dwell on anything that is happening. I feel good. I think. I went out with friends last night and I am so glad I did. |
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| Class of 2007 |
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| 11:30pm 01/05/2007 |
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I must share how excited I am about the upcoming weekend. I am graduating on Friday and my family is coming to Orlando to celebrate with me. Then on Saturday Ryan and I are headed to Vero to spend the weekend in a hotel on the beach and relax and ride bikes and fly kites. |
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| 09:43am 17/10/2006 |
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music: beatles, braid, billy j
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I fell down my stairs yesterday and as a result my tail-bone hurts real bad.
Last night in class I found out that it is going to be pretty much impossible for me to work while during my internship next semester. So beginning in January I will be working one day a week at Whole Foods, four days a week at an agency, and two days a week in classes. I am excited and scared and worried about how I am going to live on 220 dollar paychecks and no benefits. To make things more interesting I found out last week that all my financial aid for this year has been revoked because my parents made "too much" money last year.
In other news Ryan bought a new car on Sunday. It's a scion Xa and it's pretty sweet.
I haven't been home to see my family in a really long time. I think I was last there in mid-August. Maybe. I think I am going to go home this Sunday and catch up.
School is so hectic. |
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| 02:19am 25/08/2006 |
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Is it possible to love your dog too much? |
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| 12:03am 19/08/2006 |
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In the room with me is one pug and one boyfriend. Guess who is snoring louder. |
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| 1412 Sophie Blvd. |
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| 11:27pm 26/07/2006 |
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It's my last night in the house on Sophie and I am really kinda of sad, angry, nervous, and jealous feeling about the whole thing.
I really don't like moving. The stress of the actual move plus the emotional turmoil of throwing away momentos puts me way down. I saw another box of memory-provoking things tossed into the donation bin today.
This feels like an end and until my belongings are put away it won't feel like a beginning. |
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| Today is Ryan's birthday! |
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| 10:36pm 24/06/2006 |
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I am a terrible mother for not yet posting pictures of my youngest- so here they are:
Here she is the day we got her:
and here is one of Ryan and I...
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